Christmas Wishes to the Supreme Being

Dear Yeezus,

This year for Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/Chrismukkah/#OtherObscureHoliday, I would really like it if you saved indie.  Since I'm just a wee lad click clacking away on a typewriter in my Midwest bedroom, (p.s. I live at 407 Barnes Lane in Chillicothe, Ohio...come visit me, gosh!)

#Selfie

I know my wishes will fall short of those made by Drake (new iced out wheelchair biddies via Degrassi throwbacks) or North BB, but I really hope that you and Frank Ocean can bring a lil holiday joy to my drooping face.  So to really drive my point home and in honor of Thanksgiving, I share this, a heartwarming holiday tale...

#WheelchairSwag

Once upon a time,

The face of evil

Winner of 47 Emmys

In a world where Ryan Schreiber was never born and Pushing Daisies was sweeping the ratings in their 5th season, a gale force wind of evil was a-brewin. Everything else in the world was riding some serious #chillwaves; people were vibing 2 hot indie records, the Tea Party switched to coffee, things were pretty nice, except for the aforementioned evil breeze.  

Said evil (whom we shall refer to as Chad Kroeger) was hiding far away in his evil lair of icy evil, (located in Canada, naturally) plotting his evil plots, practicing his evil laughs, and waiting for the perfect moment to destroy music as we knew it.   

One fateful day, 

Recent Instagram of Morrissey, with #Inkwell filter

Chad Kroeger looked into his crystal ball (aka the Canadian Internet) and saw that Morrissey and The Smiths were putting out a new album. (In this magic world they never broke up, Moz never went vegan and proceeded to marry a fabulous male hairdresser, ahem, cosmetologist. They also served bangin beefy gyros and almond champagne at the reception, I was there, it was awesome...but I digress...) 

"Best new music ya hoser!"

Not Pictured: 2Pac, Selena

This frustrated ChadBroChill and so he logged onto Canadian Pitchfork (aka a large moose) and much to his chagrin saw that Taylor Swift (who in this world is a prominent indie songstress a la Laura Marling/Jenny Lewis and makes #relevant albums that blogs drools over. Also, we're married and have 6 children, all of whom are already Internet famous. We also have a dog, his name is Marmaduke and he is a cartoon) was doing a sweet collab with 2Pac and John Lennon (who are also not dead and play cricket with Selena), a bleep bloop chiptune concept album praising the philantropic work of President Betty White. Since Chad Kroeger is evil and Canadians hate 'Murricans, he swore his revenge and pledged to make indie rue the day they pissed off ChadBroChill. (who was def being super unchill)

In a Canadian bedroom,

#LeagueofDarkness

ChadBroChill brought together his minions to form a menacing team of evil (are you getting the whole evil thing now?) to take down indie and all of its sweet vibes.  He called upon creatures from the darkest pits of Hades, gruesome figures like Celine Dion (before she got hot post-puberty); Chris Brown (pumped on mad steroids and harboring a MEAN insecurity complex, so essentially the Chris Brown you know); Internet music destroyer Patrice Wilson and everyone in that awful bro-club-nonsense band #KREWELLA. 

"Don't forget me y'all!"

This League of Darkness and all of their Twitter followers stormed into the World Indie Headquarters (Williamsburg, but a cool version with free open bars and bitchin spaceships) and demanded the heads of all #relevant indie artists.  Since everyone was busy riding #chillwaves and getting 10.0 Best New Music's on AntiPitchfork, they never had the time to strike back and Chad's League of Darkness took over the airwaves, both digital and terrestrial, blasting vomit inducing Bro rock and lamestream EDM all across the land.  They stormed into the record stores, stole all of the fantastic vinyl and made them into tacky arts & crafts projects, like ashtrays for their Canadian weedz, or bowls for their Dorito's Locos Tacos or cups for their Mountain Dew Code Red Bull. Oceans wept, skies crumbled and people jumped off bridges in terror. Basically, shit was pretty weak.

St. Yim Yames & Friends

Until the sky opened...

And down floated a Heavenly army.

The mysterious bearded angel spoke in a voice that drowned out the thumping bass and awful singing.

"I AM ARCHANGEL YIM YAMES AND BY THE POWER OF YEEZUS, I DECLARE THIS EARTH #IRRELEVANT!!!" (He said the word hashtag too, I thought that might be important.)

Archangel Yim Yames (who follows me on Twitter) raised a fiery sword that looked like a 1976 Gretsch Broadkaster and smote (smited?) the #KREWELLA kids and their #KREW, which calmed the oceans thrown so asunder. Celine Dion opened her mouth and let out a glass shattering wail that blew the archangel's majestic hair asunder, but his great mouth opened and swallowed it.  So stunned was the hellish She-Devil by his resilience, her head exploded and sent assorted penny candies flying across the world.

Aw man, Jelly Nougats again??

But the King of these lamestream nether beasts was not so easily deterred.  Kroeger's hair grew endlessly and shot towards St. Yim, trapping him in wicked streams of greasy Top Ramen.  But right before Chad Kroeger took the head of St. Yim for his Canadian mantle, a beam of light shot down in from the Heavens and a great stallion rode across the horizon.  The being on that noble horse was none other than Saint Jack White (who didn't become a sellout, never met ICP and ended the White Stripes on a far better album than Icky Thump), who raised a peppermint striped staff and plunged it through the heart of the nether being.

Artist rendering

Stunned, Chad Kroeger vomited up every Nickelback CD ever made (far more than were sold), and drowned his tone deaf fans in sorrowful plastic death.

Yet to every holiday story, there is a happy ending:

So being the benevolent being that he is, Yeezus descended from his platinum cloud crib and waved a righteous hand, cleaning up the mess made by the League of Darkness, forever ridding the world of their sinister sonic suffering.  

Then, in a final act of kindness, Yeezy dropped Obama's bangin holiday album and the world could celebrate once more.

Thanks Yeezus!!!

THE END.

I hope this heartwarming tale will open your heart enough to grant my Christmas wish (my Pa says I'm not financially savvy enough for Hanukkah and ahve too many freckles for Kwanzaa. I think he's just scared of the Menorah burning down the house [via David Byrne]), and that we can save indie together, and that waiter can hurry up with our damn croissants.

Love,

Little Timmy Brown